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A Success Recipe May 31, 2007

Filed under: Tips — sarah @ 8:58 am

Are you ready for a simple recipe for success? The ingredients include motivation, knowledge, advice from those who have succeeded, and imitation of successful thoughts and actions. These are the proportions:

One part knowledge.

One part self awareness.

A pinch of success advice.

Ten parts emulation of success.

Mix your knowledge and self awareness into your emulation of the thoughts and behaviors of the successful. Sprinkle lightly with advice from those who have succeeded before you. Heat this mix with your own motivation. Cook for several months or decades, until done, and then repeat the process.

Knowledge

This part of the success recipe should be obvious, but then many people look for shortcuts here. You can’t study stocks for a few days and know enough to consistently beat the market. You can’t pick up a pen for the first time and write a best-selling novel. Do your homework.

Success Advice

It might seem like a great idea to ask for advice from those who are successful. It might even work – if you are lucky. The problem is that many successful people are too busy being successful to really study and understand how they got that way. I watched a 100-year-old man explain that smoking a big cigar every day was one of the secrets of his longevity. It would be nice to know why he has lived so long, but we won’t necessarily learn by asking him, will we?
Listen to what successful people say. They have countless valuable lessons to teach you. Just be careful in picking the true lessons out of the opinions, idealizations and ego reports.

Emulation Of Success

This is the most important ingredient in this success recipe. Rather than doing what successful people say, do what they do. This is how you can really learn success. Naturally you have to look closely and apply a little brainpower to see what they are really doing that is causing their success.

A real estate investor who made a lot more money than I told me he didn’t believe in setting goals. However, as I watched him and listened to him, I realized that he knew just where he expected to be with his projects in six months. This was goal-setting. He just called the process something else.

Read between the lines when hearing advice. Listen for insight into how the person thinks, and how she approaches her challenges. The advice of a successful basketball player may be just to practice more, but suppose he casually mentions “I saw that going in,” after a great shot. Perhaps it’s time to start visualizing your shots going in.

Sometimes you can’t quite get what is causing a person’s success. When I first tried to exchange links with other websites, the owners didn’t respond to my emails. Then I found a simple email a successful internet marketer used to get links. It sounded so silly to me that I wanted to change it, but I tried it anyhow. It worked – repeatedly.

It’s more important to do the right things than to understand why they are the right things. To understand is great, but at first, it is often best to just copy many of the actions, attitudes and approaches of someone who is succeeding. Model success, even before you understand it.

Self Awareness And Motivation

Of course, there are the very real parts of your personality that have to be considered. I know a car salesman who gets away with hugging his new customers. They seem to respond positively. If I tried that, I would be acting out of character, and the uncomfortable situation wouldn’t be likely to help sales.

We are all different. You have to adapt what you learn to your own personality. However, you have to do this without using your own uniqueness as an excuse for not doing what is necessary. Excuses can be very subtle. This is where self awareness becomes so important.

We are also all motivated differently. A successful man who is motivated by the desire to escape poverty and have security is not operating the same way as one who gets rich chasing after dreams of boats and expensive homes. One of them will be more useful to you, depending on how you are motivated. This is just another example of where self awareness comes into the recipe. Learn the mental mechanics of your own motivations. It is an important part of this success recipe.

By Steve Gillman

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How To Get Over A Friend’s Betrayal May 30, 2007

Filed under: Tips — sarah @ 7:55 am

It can be hard making friends, and even harder to trust them. If you find yourself in a situation where a friend has seemingly betrayed your trust, follow these steps.

  1. Determine if the whole thing was a misunderstanding. It’s easy to get emotional (positive or negative) with friends and you may have rushed to conclusions. Make sure they really have done something wrong, and, if they have, find if they are apologetic.

  2. Keep things in perspective. The whole situation may not be as bad as you think. This will make apologies and forgiveness easier to obtain.
  3. Be willing to forgive despite your anger. Forgive them for not keeping your trust and not knowing how to treat friends. You may need to forgive them, even if they are not sorry for what they did. This is key to getting past your anger towards them and not harboring grudges.
  4. Consider whether or not you want to maintain a friendly relationship with the person. Many times, a friend that betrays once will do it again. But this is also dependant on the situation and the person.
    • If you find that you no longer want to be friends with this person, sever all ties with them. You don’t have to be mean about it. Assuming you followed step 1, they already probably know that you are upset with them. This will make ending your friendship easier.
    • If you find that you want to maintain your friendship, make sure the other person understand that you feel they did something wrong and you have forgiven them and want to continue being friends — even if they aren’t remorseful.
  5. Try to relax and take some time alone. Meditate, shop, dance, do whatever you have to do to make yourself happy. You are more likely to find a worthwhile solution while doing something you enjoy.

Tips

  • Follow your instincts and past experiences when it comes to trusting people. There are, obviously, some people you can never trust and some people you can.
  • If necessary, withhold some parts of yourself so you are not completely open to people. This is a tip of prevention, so you won’t have to go through the trauma of betrayal.

Warnings

  • Human beings are sociable by nature. You cannot live your life without friends, so be very careful not to alienate all of your friends over a simple squable.
 

Healing from Childhood Abuse May 29, 2007

Filed under: Life — sarah @ 7:52 am

 By Margaret Paul, Ph.D

In the 37 years that I have been counseling individuals, I have worked with many people who have suffered from severe physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse in childhood. Many who have sought my help were suffering from fear and anxiety, depression, various addictions, relationship problems and sexual problems. Many of these people had no memory of their childhood and had no idea why there were so unhappy. Many had spent years in therapy yet had never remembered their abuse.

The reason they could not remember the traumatic events of their childhood is because the child or children within, who suffered the abuse, did not feel safe in revealing the abuse. These unconscious inner parts were protecting the person from reliving the horrible pain of the past. These inner children knew that the adult self did not have the strength to learn about and manage the information and the feelings.

In order to remember and heal traumatic events from the past that are affecting you today, you need to have a strong and loving Adult self who is capable of managing emotional pain. Without this loving inner Adult, you may get so flooded and overwhelmed with the feelings of traumatic memories that you cannot function.

The gentle, transformational Inner Bonding process that we teach is a process for developing this strong, loving Adult self. The loving Adult is the aspect of us that is connected with a powerful and loving Source of spiritual guidance – whatever this is for you. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process develops your ability to connect with your personal Source of spiritual guidance. It is your connection with your guidance that gives you the strength to manage the intensely painful feelings of childhood abuse.

Once the inner children who hold the memories feel safe that there is a loving Adult self who is capable of managing the feelings, you will start to remember your past. As these memories come up, you will begin to understand the conclusions you drew about yourself that are currently causing your pain. Almost all children who have been abused draw erroneous conclusions about themselves as a result of the abuse – false beliefs such as, “I’m not important.” “I have no worth.” “I am just an object for others’ use.” “I am not lovable.” “I should never have been born.” “I would be better off dead.” “I don’t deserve love.” “I am a bad person.” It is these beliefs that are causing your present pain.

Healing from childhood abuse is not just about remembering the past. It is about remembering the very good reasons you had for drawing the conclusions that are currently causing you such pain. It is about gently and lovingly acknowledging what happened that led to your present beliefs that are now limiting you. It is about learning how to access the truth from your spiritual source so that you can move out of lies that you are telling yourself that are causing your current pain.

Most of us learn to treat ourselves based on how we were treated and how our parents or caregivers treated themselves. When your parents abused you, they were also not taking loving care of themselves and were not role modeling loving self-care. As long as you treat yourself the way your parents or other caregivers treated you and themselves, you will suffer. Healing from childhood abuse is about developing your loving Adult self so that you can learn to treat your inner child or inner children the way you always wanted to be treated.

You CAN fully heal from childhood abuse, but only through learning to access and bring into your being the love, truth, wisdom and strength of your spiritual guidance. Through learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process, you will discover the incredibly beautiful and perfect essence within you – the part of you that was never damaged by the abuse. This is your true Self that will emerge as you heal the false beliefs of your wounded self. This is what will happen as you develop your loving Adult self through learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process.

 

The Perfection Myth May 28, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — sarah @ 12:41 pm

You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. Nobody’s perfect. Give it up.

Nobody likes their nose. Or their knees, for that matter. Everybody finds annoying lumps, bumps and wrinkles, typically invisible to others, in various and sundry locations on their body.

And if you have kids, ideas of perfection go completely out the window. You dress them up; you take them out–and they do you in. Think of it this way: Children are intended to embarrass their parents in public; it’s God’s plan for instant humility.

Then there’s work, where a co-worker from hell, ever on the alert to criticize, seems to be as inevitable as crying babies on a plane. And there’s driving, when the guy in the next car salutes us with half a Peace sign for our unintentional driving faux pas. Not to mention social gatherings during which names vaporize from our brains just as recognizable faces approach.

Imperfection as far as the eye can see. And so it goes. We need to work out a plan whereby we can do our best and somehow not get in a dither that our best can sometimes (Often? Always?) fall short of perfection.

Parents should announce imperfection as a fact of life to their children–right as they come out of the chute. If kids knew the deal from the start, it would save them the wear and tear of trying to achieve the impossible. And it would save a whole lot of singing and dancing by the parents as they try to gloss over their own shortcomings. Which you don’t have to do if you’re giving the parent-thing a good effort. Kids see parents as heroic and larger than life anyway. They don’t need delusions of perfection.

And parents desperately need to remember that no amount of effort will result in a perfect child. The kids won’t always behave perfectly in church or in restaurants. They won’t hit home runs every time at bat. They’ll pick inconvenient times to get loudly unhappy. Children are crazy-making devices, but they’re a terrific blessing. It shouldn’t take a lot of effort to settle for terrific.

Giving up on absolute perfection means we can give life the best we have to give. We can still reach high; still live with great joy. But we won’t have to waste an ounce of energy pretending to be something we’re not.

When we give up on the impossible, we’re free to reach our highest level of possible. Higher by far than we could reach by spending half our time trying to fake it.

Then, all relaxed, we can take a clear look at ourselves and learn the good news–which is that we’re less imperfect than we thought. The truth lies somewhere between perfection and where we believe we are.

In a place called wonderful.

By  Bette Dowdell

 

Life is a Lemon

Filed under: Life — sarah @ 12:36 pm

Squeeze a lemon, and it will produce a juice, too harsh to be palatable. But it forms the basis for lemonade, the world’s oldest refreshing drink. Like a lemon, life is full of sour things. It is full of challenges, hardships, pain and suffering. But in all this is hidden the seeds of greatest achievements, happiness and success. Life at times can even be cruel, but that is what makes it worth living.

We become happy as we fight sorrow. We become wealthy as we struggle to remove poverty. We develop intimate relationships as we overcome loneliness. We produce light as we fight the darkness. In other words we produce positive in our endeavors to remove negative.

Life will hand you a lemon. Bigger it is; more sour it is, tastier and more of lemonade you can make with it. Bigger the suffering, bigger is the blessing; bigger the challenge, bigger is the reward. Big people made it big because they had bigger lemon in their lives. If they didn’t have theirs, they take others. Mahatma Gandhi, was a lawyer, and could have made a great career at it. But his sensitivity towards inequality and injustice made him what he was. Life handed him his lemon the day he was thrown out of the first class compartment of the train for having the wrong skin color. Would Gandhi be Gandhi we know if there was no injustice and India would not have been a ruled by exploitative British imperialists. What Mother Teresa would have done, if there was no illness and pain on the streets? Would Helen Keller rise to the heights she did, if she was not blind? The list can go on and on.

Your life is full of big problems? It has sorrows too hard to describe? You are facing hardships that you do not even want your enemies to face? Congratulations….. You have the lemon to make the lemonade. God has given you these not without reason. It is in these hard times that we grow towards our potential. So thank God for it. It is during these trying moments when you rise and keep rising, till you achieve greatness. No one is born great, but it is his challenges, pain and misery that force him to become great.

You may rightly argue that if pain and hardships are required for success, then why there are so many who are still homeless and poor. Why so many people are castigated to a life of loneliness. Why people live an entire life in misery and ultimately die a miserable and obscure death.

It is simple; this is the way they want to be. They accept that lemon is a sour fruit and nothing can be done about it. The pain and misery in their life though apparent to others does not seem to hurt them. You are not suffering if you are not feeling the hurt. It is only when you feel the hurt, that you do something to remove it. And in the process you become a hero.

A lemon does not turn into lemonade all by its own. Someone has to press it to squeeze out the juice, and then add water and stir in sugar. It requires the thirst and the desire that prompts you to take action. It needs faith, that it can be done. To get the perfect lemonade, it requires careful planning and execution. And it requires patience perseverance till the sugar dissolves. And the important part, you have to make it your self. You open a bottle of readymade lemonade; it is the manufacturer who earns the money (pun intended).

So, are you ready to make your lemonade……..?

By Vivek Ray ( is a Trainer, Motivator and Inspirational speaker)

 

How To Deal With Backstabber

Filed under: Tips — sarah @ 7:46 am

They might say they’re your ‘best friends’, but the moment your back is turned, they lie about you to others. No one wants to be hurt in this way, but how do deal with them?. Perhaps the following tips can help.

  1. All backstabbers share a common denominator; they all want something from you. Whether it is money, homework, a house to trash, your computer, or practically anything, varies from person to person.
  2. Be aware of your surroundings. If you have a bad feeling about somebody, listen to your instincts!
  3. Pay attention to red flags.
    • If somebody betrays you, don’t trust that person again without extensive consideration.
    • If the other person doesn’t have friends of his or her own, there may be a reason. Perhaps other people know something that you don’t.
    • If someone is mean to you one minute and nice to you the next, there is definitely something wrong.
    • If someone is too aggressive or tries too hard to sell you on something, he or she is likely setting you up.
    • Trust your friends. If they say that somebody is a jerk, believe them.
    • Notice the other person’s work ethic. If he or she is lazy and irresponsible, stay away from the person as far as anything that requires hard work goes. If you work hard, he or she will use you in a heartbeat!
  4. Notice how he treats things you care about. For instance if you really care that your room is clean, and after you explained so to him he comes over, throws his backpack on the ground, takes his shoes off in the middle of the room and so on, that means he doesn’t really care about you.
  5. Try to detect from an early stage is what the backstabber is interested in sucking from you.
  6. If the backstabber persists in pestering you, either ignore him or tell him dispassionately that you do not want to do (insert activity here). Be polite, but extremely firm. If they detect a weakness in your firmness, they will try as hard as they can to puncture it.

Tips

  • Get away from these people as soon as possible and convince others not to associate with them.
  • Don’t hesitate to ask questions. If somebody seems shady in any perspective, ask them about it.
  • There is a difference between friends and acquaintances. This means that even though he might be fun to talk at in classroom or at lunch,he might not be the kind of person you would like to hang out with after school.
  • Don’t rely on the backstabber for anything, even the little things. In this way, you will avoid situations where you owe him/her a favor. This technique takes patience, practice and goes completely against your better nature. The backstabber will get the hint and move on the next sucker/victim.
  • Also do not tell them any secret that you want kept hidden, as they will tell it to another one of their “friends” the moment it will gain them something.
  • Treat him/her like you would any other snake. Be polite when in his/her area, keep to the path, and maintain your distance.
  • Make sure not to reduce to his level by saying untrue and bad things about him behind his back, as it will only spur him to action against you.

Warnings

  • Never let the backstabber know that he/she has gotten to you.
  • Do not underestimate his power. Try not to offend or hurt him, but merely be polite and refute politely anything he asks that you feel you are not willing to give.
  • Do not get angry when he backstabs you. Realize from the start it will happen eventually, so don’t form any deep relationship with him.

 

How To Deal With Losing A Friend May 27, 2007

Filed under: Tips — sarah @ 7:39 am

Losing a friend can be really tough, especially when it is through no fault of your own. Even though you might feel sad, realize that it’s not the end of the world. You will get over it and you will make new friends.

  1. Take time to mourn over your loss. This is a big change in your daily life to not have that friend as a part of it. Cry, shout, hit the pillow, play the music at its loudest possible. Do whatever it takes to get the sadness, rage, anger, disappointment etc. out of your system. Let it out so that you can move on from these destructive feelings and so that you can cease to harbor negativity that you will continue to carry if you do not release it.
  2. Find a new hobby, activity or regular social event. Don’t sit around and sob incessantly. Do something proactive and lively to distract your mind and soul. Quit moping and resume your path in life. Go shopping, treat yourself to an ice cream at your local restaurant, or go and play a sport. Take up a hobby or set yourself a challenge, such as a 5000 piece jigsaw or beating the computer at a game of chess.
  3. Join a club. You will meet lots of new people and get heaps of new friends instantly.
  4. Find a new friend. There is always someone new. Talk to people around school, college, work or your neighborhood. Talk to people that you have never really talked to before and you may be pleasantly surprised. Be nice and friendly, but don’t be overly friendly the first time you approach them. Just go up and say “Hi” or something, and try to act casually. If you start talking to each other, don’t act too eager to be friends too quickly. Just be yoursel and stay casual. And take it calmly and slowly – simply because you have lost one friend doesn’t mean you should rush out and find another replacement. Friendship develops over time and needs careful choices and good tending.
  5. Avoid spending time thinking of ways to make your former friend jealous. This will only make you look sad and desperate and it only ever rebounds on yourself. Revenge fantasies might amuse your sorrowful side but they are a pure waste of energy and dig a deeper level of sadness and inaction for you. See step 1 again if you find yourself falling into this trap.
  6. Keep a casual relationship with your former friend. When you see your former friend around, don’t be sour or nasty. If he or she talks to you, don’t ignore your former friend. Just say hi back and if you still don’t want to have a long conversation, be polite and just excuse yourself. Having an appointment or a homework assignment to complete are good enough excuses.
  7. Don’t spread rumours about the person, or talk about them to everyone. Nobody will want to be your friend if they discover that you talk about people behind their backs.
  8. Smile! Find things to smile about. Do something for someone, raise money for charity by doing a sponsored run, do things that make you happy again. Realize that you don’t need this person to make you happy, and it is not the end of the world now that they have gone. It is one of life’s lessons and there should be a kernel of wisdom in what happened for you to learn from.
  9. Get on with your life. This is the most important lesson. Don’t stop going out with other friends, or take it out on them. Carry on as if everything is normal, and it will feel normal. Soon you will forget all about this person, or at least, be able to think of them without bitterness or sadness.